I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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