Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
