I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
