He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
