Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I don't deserve a penis
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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