who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
