I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
