Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
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