she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Randomize
