Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
