i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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