On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Randomize
