I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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