Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
