did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I could make wine with my vomit
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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