if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Everclear isn't food dammit
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
