The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
