Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
