She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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