Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
