i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
