drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
