Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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