I can't watch pbs sober anymore
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
