i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
