she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
