I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
