Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
