before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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