it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
