wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
