Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
