I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
His hands were made for my vagina.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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