My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
bring money and cleavage
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
