I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
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