it was like his penis was on wheels.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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