Your mouth is God's brothel.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
You need Xanax blowdarts
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
