there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
