I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Randomize
