I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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