Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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