So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
