before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Randomize
