Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
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I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
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You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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