dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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