even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
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I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
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You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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