There was a lot of him and a little penis
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
