I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
