Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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