Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
