I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
i now understand why vodka
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
