She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
