i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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