Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
