wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
