i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
That's how pantless uber rides happen
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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