He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
