More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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