you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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