Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
