Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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