bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
