if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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