do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
